Mixed Emotions

Today was my last day at work for awhile. As I expected, this week went way too fast. I was feeling really good about my surgery and prognosis until I went and had my ultrasound done on Friday. She found nodes down to my clavicle. I am trying to stay positive but I am afraid.

Everyone keeps telling me to have a positive attitude and I try. I feel as if I have gone through the stages of grief except not in any certain order. Most of the time I am in denial. Other times I think, this isn't a big deal! I can fight this...this cancer isn't a big deal. Then there are moments like today where everyone hugged me goodbye at work and the emotions started. I went to get Lily from dance and was holding back tears as I watched her. She is so beautiful. I couldn't help thinking, "what if I can't fight this?" When I first found out, I couldn't look at Paige without crying. She is so tiny. I want to be there for her. I have so much to teach her. 

My children and husband are all I think about. I love them more than anything and I can't imagine not being with them. I will probably look back in a few months and wonder why I was being so melodramatic. I HOPE that's the case. But I think it's normal to be diagnosed with cancer and wonder about your mortality. 

I have had a lot of good advice. One piece of advice was to write letters to my husband and children. I had an "if I die" folder from a couple years ago but I decided to update everything. That has been hard to do.  Last time I did it, no big deal. But knowing I will be going under the knife has changed everything. However, it feels good to be organized. I think everyone should have an "if I die" folder because the truth is no one knows when your time will come.

The truth is, I'm scared. The thought of being put under and my neck cut open is almost more than I can bare. I hate having my neck touched. Luckily, I will be asleep. I know that as soon as we have the surgery done that we will have a good idea with how extensive it is/was. So I am looking forward to that but at the same time I am terrified. 

This has been a random post. My thoughts are all over the place. Tomorrow is my last day home with my kids before surgery. I plan on getting as prepped as possible but mainly to enjoy my kids as much as possible.